


Stargate Silly Songs

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Filk, Humor, Limerick, Parody, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-25
Updated: 2010-02-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 16:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: A collection of silly songs from Veggie Tales as performed by SG-1 and company. Pure humor and loads of silliness within!





	1. The Jaffa Song

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Here starts my collection of Veggie Tales silly song parodies. Some aren't parodies so much as amusing, but... If all goes according to plan, there shall be one for every silly song that exists. Maybe later I'll go back and flesh these out a little, but for now, just the songs. The first is to the tune of "The Water Buffalo Song."  


* * *

**Jack:** Everybody's got a Jaffa on their team,  
They are big and kelno'reem,  
Just one look makes bad guys scream,  
Oh, everybody's got a Jaffa on their teaaaaaaam!

I took my Jaffa through the gate,  
Met his kid and his dear mate,  
Killed a Goa'uld for fishing bait,  
Oh, everybody's got a...

**Daniel:** Stop it, stop, stop right this instant! What do you think you're doing? You can't say everyone's got a Jaffa on their team when everyone does not have a Jaffa on their team! We're going to get nasty complaints saying, "Where's my Jaffa? Why don't I have a Jaffa on my team?" And are you prepared to deal with that? I don't think so! So stop being so silly!

**Walter:** Thank you for listening. Join us next time when Colonel O'Neill sings:

**Jack:** Everybody's got a baby Goa'uld,  
Yours is pink but mine is blue,  
Teal'c's was small but...

**Daniel:** AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *flying tackles Jack*


	2. The Stargate Song

  
Author's notes: To the tune of 'The Hairbrush Song.'  


* * *

**Walter:** Our curtain opens as SG-1, having finished their recon visit to Abydos, is searching for the Stargate. Having no success, Daniel cries out..."

**Daniel:** "Oh, where is the Stargate? Oh where is the Stargate? Oh, where,  
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh,  
Where oh, where ... is the Stargate?"

**Walter:** "Having heard his cry, Skaara enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at SG-1 being stranded on his planet, Skaara regains his composure and reports ..."

**Skaara:** "I think I saw the Stargate back there!"

**Daniel:** "Back there is the Stargate. Back there is the Stargate. Back  
there, back there, oh, where, back there, oh, where, oh, where, back  
there, back there, back there ... is the Stargate!"

**Walter:** "Having heard his joyous proclamation, Sha're enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at SG-1 being stranded on her planet, Sha're regains her composure and comments ..."

**Sha're:** "Why do you need a Stargate? You don't have anything to dial it with!"

**Walter:** "Sam is taken aback. The thought had never occured to her. No way to dial? What would this mean? What will become of her? What will become of the team? Sam wonders ..."

**Sam:** "No way to dial the Stargate. No way to dial the Stargate. No way, no  
way, no way, no way, no way, no way, no way, back there, no way  
.. to dial the 'Gate!"

**Walter:** "Having heard her wonderings, Kasuf enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at SG-1 being stranded on his planet, Kasuf regains his composure and confesses ..."

**Kasuf:** "Um, that old Stargate of ours... Well, we never use it, we  
don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know. But I gave  
it to the Goa'uld - 'cause they wanted it!"

**Walter:** "Feeling a deep sense of loss, Jack stumbles back and laments..."

**Jack:** "Not fair, oh the Stargate. Not fair! Not the Stargate! Not  
fair, not fair, not fair, not fair, no where, not fair, not fair, not  
fair, not fair! Our only way home!"

**Walter:** "Having heard his lament, Apophis enters the scene. Both SG-1 and Apophis are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing what they had given him, Apophis is thankful ..."

**Apophis:** "Thanks for the Stargate."

**Walter:** "Yes, something must be done here. Apophis exits the scene. Teal'c, upset and still feeling an emotional attachment for the Stargate, calls out ..."

**Teal'c:** "Give us back our Stargate. Bring back our poor Stargate! Bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back, bring back... our precious Stargate."

**Walter:** "The end!"


	3. Dance of the Colonel

  
Author's notes: This one's not much of a parody, since I'm not good with Spanish. But visualize the two of them singing and dancing this, if you will. You shall laugh. To the tune of 'Dance of the Cucumber'.  


* * *

**Walter:** Colonel Jack O'Neill will now be performing the traditional Argentinian ballad, 'The Dance of the Colonel,' in it's original Spanish. Doctor Daniel Jackson will translate."

**Jack:** "Miren al coronel"

**Daniel:** "Watch the colonel"

**Jack:** "miren como se mueve"

**Daniel:** "see how he moves"

**Jack:** "como un leon"

**Daniel:** "like a lion"

**Jack:** "tras un raton."

**Daniel:** "chasing a mouse."

**Jack:** "Miren al coronel"

**Daniel:** "Watch the colonel"

**Jack:** "sus suaves movimientos"

**Daniel:** "Oh, how smooth his motion"

**Jack:** "tal como mantequilla"

**Daniel:** "like butter"

**Jack:** "en un chango pelon."

**Daniel:** "on a ... bald monkey."

**Jack:** "Miren al coronel"

**Daniel:** "Look at the colonel"

**Jack:** "los soldados"

**Daniel:** "all the soldiers"

**Jack:** "envidian a su amigo"

**Daniel:** "envy their friend"

**Jack:** "como el quieren bialar"

**Daniel:** "wishing to dance as he"

**Jack:** "Coronel bailarin, coronel bailarin, coronel bailarin"

**Daniel:** "Dancing colonel, dancing colonel, dancing colonel"

**Jack:** "Baila, baila, ya!"

**Daniel:** "Dance, dance, yeah!"

**Jack:** "Miren al linguisto"

**Daniel:** "Look at the linguist"

**Jack:** "no es triste?"

**Daniel:** "Isn't it sad?"

**Jack:** "El no puede bailar."

**Daniel:** "He can't dance."

**Jack:** "!Pobre linguisto!"

**Daniel:** "Poor... linguist."

**Jack:** "El deberia poder bailar"

**Daniel:** "He wishes he could dance"

**Jack:** "Como el coronel"

**Daniel:** "like the colonel"

**Jack:** "libre y suavemente."

**Daniel:** "free and smooth."

**Jack:** "Pero el no puede danzar."

**Daniel:** "But he can't ... Okay! Stop the music! What do you mean I can't dance? I can dance! What about the base Christmas party? Didn't you see me dancing at the base Christmas party?"

**Jack:** "No comprendo."

**Daniel:** "No comprendo? I'll show you 'No comprendo'!"

**Cassandra:** "Mom! Sam! Look over here! Get a picture of me next to Jack in authentic Argentinian garb!"

**Sam:** "Okay, Cass. But we'd better hurry--I think the MPs have your mother confused with someone else! Say cheese!'"

**All:** "Cheese!"

**Jack:** "Escuchen el coronel"

**Daniel:** "Listen to the colonel"

**Jack:** "oigan su voz fuerte"

**Daniel:** "hear his strong voice"

**Jack:** "como un leon"

**Daniel:** "like a lion"

**Jack:** "listo a devorar."

**Daniel:** "about to eat."

**Jack:** "Escuchen al coronel"

**Daniel:** "Listen to the colonel"

**Jack:** "que dulce as su canto"

**Daniel:** "oh how sweet his voice"

**Jack:** "la voz de su garganta perece un triar."

**Daniel:** "the breath from his throat is like a chorus of little birdies."

**Jack:** "Escuchen al coronel"

**Daniel:** "Listen to the colonel"

**Jack:** "los soldados"

**Daniel:** "all the soldiers"

**Jack:** "envidian a su amigo"

**Daniel:** "envy their friend"

**Jack:** "como el quieren cantar."

**Daniel:** "wishing to sing as he."

**Jack:** "Coronel cantador, coronel cantador, coronel cantador"

**Daniel:** "Singing colonel, singing colonel, singing colonel"

**Jack:** "canta, canta, ya!"

**Daniel:** "sing, sing, yeah!"

**Jack:** "Escuchen al arqueólogo"

**Daniel:** "Listen to the archaeologist"

**Jack:** "?No es triste?"

**Daniel:** "Isn't it sad?"

**Jack:** "El no puede cantar."

**Daniel:** "He can't sing."

**Jack:** "Pobre arqueólogo."

**Daniel:** "Poor archaeologist."

**Jack:** "El deberia poder cantar"

**Daniel:** "He wishes he could sing"

**Jack:** "fuerte y ducle como el coronel"

**Daniel:** "strong and sweet like the colonel"

**Jack:** "Pero no puede ..."

**Daniel:** "But he can't ..."

**Jack:** "!Ni siquiera da un silbido!"

**Daniel:** "Can't even ... whistle. All right! That's it, Senor! Come over here and let me sing YOU a song!"

**Jack:** "Adios, amigos!"

**Walter:** "That was 'Dance of the Colonel' by Jack O'Neill. Join us next time when Jack sings:"

**Jack:** "Danny's really angry! I hope he doesn't catch me! It's so hard to run with this sombrero on my head!"


	4. Sam Loves Her Lips

  
Author's notes: Another that isn't much of a parody. But imagine Major Carter jumping around singing about her lips... Yeah. To the tune of 'I Love My Lips.'  


* * *

**Walter:** "One day while talking with Dr. Mackenzie, Sam confronts one of bher deepest fears ..."

**Sam:** "If my lips ever left my mouth, packed a bag and headed south, that'd be too bad, I'd be so sad."

**Mackenzie:** "I see. That'd be too bad, you'd be so sad?"

**Sam:** "That'd be too bad. If my lips said "adios, I don't like you I think you're gross," that'd be too bad, I might get mad."

**Mackenzie:** "That'd be too bad, you might get mad?"

**Sam:** "That'd be too bad. If my lips moved to Chulak, left a mess and took my Mac, that'd be too bad, I'd call my Dad."

**Mackenzie:** "That'd be too bad, you'd call your Dad?"

**Sam:** "That'd be too bad."

**Mackenzie:** "Hold it. Did you say your father? Fascinating! So what you're saying is that if your lips left you ..."

**Sam:** "That'd be too bad, I'd be so sad, I might get mad, I'd call my Dad. That be too bad."

**Mackenzie:** "That'd be too bad?"

**Sam:** "That'd be too bad."

**Mackenzie:** "Why?"

**Sam:** "Because I love my lips."

*Sam starts bouncing around the room scatting to a beat only she hears*

**Mackenzie:** "Oh my ... This is more serious than I thought. Major Carter, tell me, what do you see here?"

*Mackenzie holds up a ink blot*

**Sam:** "Um, that looks like a lip."

**Mackenzie:** "And this?"

*He holds up another picture*

**Sam:** "It's a lip!"

**Mackenzie:** "And this?"

*He presents blot after blot in quick succession*

**Sam:** "It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip lip lip! It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip lip lip! It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip lip lip. Liiiiiiiiiiiips. Lip lip lip."

**Mackenzie:** "Major Carter, tell me about your childhood."

**Sam:** "When I was just two years old I left my lips out in the cold and they turned blue. What could I do?"

**Mackenzie:** "They turned blue, what could you do?"

**Sam:** "Oh they turned blue. On the day I cut my teeth I had to kiss my Aunt Patrice. She had a beard ... and it felt weird."

**Mackenzie:** "My, my. She had a beard and it felt weird?"

**Sam:** "She had a beard. Ten days into mission eight, got my lips stuck in the Gate! My friends all laughed. And I just stood there until the rest of the team came and got me out with a crowbar and I had to spend the next six weeks in lip rehab with this major named Sergei who got stung by an alien insect - right on the lip - and we couldn't even talk to each other until the fifth week because both our lips were so swollen, and when he did start speaking he just spoke Russian and I only knew like three words in Russian except now I know four because Sergei taught me the word for lip: k5;m1;k3;k2;."

**Mackenzie:** "Your friends all laughed ... k5;m1;k3;k2;? How do you spell that?"

**Sam:** "I don't know."

**Mackenzie:** So what you're saying is that when you were young..."

**Sam:** "They turned blue, what could I do? She had a beard and it felt weird. My friends all laughed ...k5;m1;k3;k2;!"

**Mackenzie:** "I'm confused..."

**Sam:** "I love my lips!"

*Sam begins bouncing around the room scatting to the beat again*

**Walter:** "This has been counseling with Doctor Mackenzie. Join us next time to hear Sam say..."

**Sam:** "Have I ever told you how I feel about my nose?"

**Mackenzie:** "Oh, look at the time!"


	5. Oh SG-1

  
Author's notes: This is my second favorite so far. To the tune of 'Oh Santa!'  


* * *

**Walter:** "It's Christmas Eve on Abydos, and Daniel Jackson is anxiously awaiting the visit of SG-1 with a plate of naquadah nuggets."

**Daniel:** Oh, Colonel!  
I can't wait for you to come,  
I just can't wait for you to come,  
And I've got naquadah!  
Three nuggets of naquadah!  
Just for you for when you come,  
Only for you for when you come...  
Because it's Christmas!"

[Ka-whoosh]

**Daniel:** "Could that be Jack?  
Could that be him?  
Could it be the one who brings presents  
And a Christmas tree for me,  
A good Ph.D. like me?"

**Walter:** "Daniel is surprised to be greeted not by Jack, but a crafty system lord!"

**Daniel:** "Who are you?"

**Apophis:** "I'm Apophis!  
And I've come to take your world,  
Oh yes!  
I've come to take your world,  
And I've come to take your citizens for hosting.  
So stand back, step aside you silly Tau'ri!  
And let me in!"

**Walter:** "Although frightened by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Daniel makes an offering."

**Daniel:** "I'm not a ruler...  
It's not my world, good system lord,  
But I have naquadah--  
Three nuggets of naquadah.  
These are not my people,  
But please take this, good system lord.  
Take one of these, good system lord.  
They are for SG-1, but you may have one."

**Walter:** "The system lord is truly touched by Daniel's good will. But Daniel, although momentarily distracted, is still excited about seeing his friends."

**Daniel:** "Oh, Samantha!  
I can't wait for you to come,  
I just can't wait for you to come,  
And I've got naquadah!  
Two nuggets of naquadah!  
Just for you for when you come,  
Only for you for when you come...  
Because it's Christmas!"

**Apophis: (Simultaneously)** "I'm Apophis!  
I came to take your world,  
Oh yes!  
I came to take your world...  
You shared a nugget---  
A naquadah nugget.  
Though I'd love to take your gals,  
Maybe we can be pals--  
Because it's Christmas!"

[Ka-whoosh]

**Daniel:** "Could that be Sam?  
Could that be her?  
Could it be the one who brings presents  
And a fruitcake just for me,  
A good Ph.D. like me?"

**Walter:** "Once again, it is not Sam who has come to Abydos, but this time a Human Form Replicator."

**Daniel:** "Who are you?"

**HFR:** "I'm a Replicator!  
And I've come to rob your world,  
Oh yes!  
I've come to rob your world,  
And I've come to kill and steal all your resources.  
And I've come to ... eat up your metals!  
And burn your land!"

**Walter:** "Although frightened by the intruder, in the spirit of Christmas Daniel makes an offering."

**Daniel:** "Don't kill us all...  
It's not my world, my robbing friend,  
But I have naquadah--  
Two nuggets of naquadah.  
And I don't have metals,  
But please take this, my robbing friend.  
Eat one of these, my robbing friend.  
They are for SG-1, but you may have one."

**Walter:** "The Replicator is also touched by Daniel's good will. But Daniel's thoughts are still with SG-1."

**Daniel:** "Oh, Teal'c!  
I can't wait for you to come,  
I just can't wait for you to come,  
I've got a nugget!  
A naquadah nugget!  
Just for you for when you come,  
Only for you for when you come...  
Because it's Christmas!"

**HFR: (Simultaneously)** "I'm a Replicator!  
I came to rob your world,  
Oh yes!  
I came to rob your world...  
You shared a nugget--  
A naquadah nugget.  
Though I'd love to burn your land,  
I don't think that I can ...  
Because it's Christmas!"

[Ka-whoosh]

**Daniel:** "Could that be Teal'c?  
Could that be him?  
Could it be the one who brings presents  
And some eggnog just for me,  
A good Ph.D. like me?"

**Walter:** "Daniel is greeted now by an agent of the National Intelligence Department."

**Daniel:** "Who are you?"

**Maybourne:** "I'm from the NID! And I've come to ask you ..."

*Daniel throws him back through the gate and closes it*

**Daniel:** "Oh, SG-1!  
I can't wait for you to come,  
I just can't wait for you to come ..."

[Ka-whoosh]

**Daniel:** "It's finally SG-1!  
It's finally them!  
At last, the ones who bring presents for a Ph.D. like me,  
A good Ph.D. like me!"

**Jack:** "We're SG-1!"

**Sam:** "And we've come to bring you gifts,  
Oh yes!  
We've come to bring you gifts,  
And I've come to bring you fruitcake--  
Oh ho-ho-ho!"

**Teal'c:** "And I've come to deliver eggnog  
And Christmas cheer...  
Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that my staff?" *He glares at Apophis*

**Sam:** "And what are you doing with my zat?" *She glares at the Replicator*

**Jack:** "So you're the ones!" *He glares at everyone*

**Apophis:** "Wait a minute, I can explain!"

**HFR:** "We've changed!"

**Sam:** "Nobody messes with SG-1! You know that, don't you!?"

**Jack:** "You've been very naughty! And I've got a list!"

*They chase Apophis and the HFR back through the Stargate. Maybourne comes through and picks up the last nugget of naquadah*

**Maybourne:** "Is this classified?"

*He takes it and walks into the puddle without waiting for an answer*

**Daniel:** "Merry ... Christmas..."


	6. The SG Team Who Don't Do Anything

  
Author's notes: This is my personal favorite. Very catchy. To the tune of 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.'  


* * *

**Walter:** "Joining us today are Jack O'Neill, Sam Carter, and Daniel Jackson, who together make up the infamous SG-1, the SG Team Who Don't Do Anything!"

**SG-1:** "We are the SG Team Who Don't Do Anything!  
We just stay on base and lie around.  
And if you ask us to do anything,  
We'll just tell you..."

**Jack:** "We don't do anything!"

**Daniel:** "Well, I've never been Tollan,  
And I've never been to Chulak,  
And I've never looked at ruins on P4X-639,  
And I've never been to Moscow,  
And I've never been to Vorash,  
And I've never been to Washington DC."

**SG-1:** "We are the SG Team Who Don't Do Anything!  
We just stay on base and lie around.  
And if you ask us to do anything,  
We'll just tell you..."

**Sam:** "We don't do anything!  
And I never shoot a staff weapon,  
And I never shoot a zat gun,  
And I never dial the Stargate 'cause I never gate at all,  
And I've never seen a system lord,  
And I've never met a Jaffa,  
And I've never been to Washington DC."

**SG-1:** "We are the SG Team Who Don't Do Anything!  
We just stay on base and lie around.  
And if you ask us to do anything,  
We'll just tell you...  
We don't do anything!"

**Jack:** "Well, I've never plucked a rooster,  
And I'm not too good at ping-pong,  
And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall,  
And I've never kissed a chipmunk,  
And I've never gotten head lice,  
And I've never been to Washington DC!"

**Daniel:** "Huh? What are you talking about? What's a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with the Stargate??"

**Sam:** "Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about Stargate-y things!"

**Jack:** "Oh ..."

**Sam:** "And who ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?"

**Daniel:** "I think you look like Stargate Barbie."

**Sam:** "Huh? No I don't!"

**Daniel:** "Do too."

**Sam:** "Do not!"

**Daniel:** "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."

**Sam:** "That's it, you're going through the gate!"

**Daniel:** "Says who?"

**Sam:** "Says me, that's who!"

**Daniel:** "Oh, yeah? Come on, Barbie, let's go party!"

*Sam starts chasing Daniel in circles around the Stargate*

**Daniel:** "Yikes!"

**Jack:** "And I've never licked a spark plug,  
And I've never sniffed a stink bug,  
And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball,  
And I've never bathed in yogurt,  
And I don't look good in leggings..."

**Sam:** "You just don't get it!"

**SG-1:** "And we've never been to Washington DC."


	7. Song of the Jaffa

  
Author's notes: It's kind of repetitive, but really, how many things rhyme with Jaffa? To the tune of 'Song of the Cebu.'  


* * *

**Walter:** Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Doctor Daniel Jackson presents, in a sequential image, stereophonic, multimedia event, The Song of the Jaffa!

**Daniel [clicking through slides]:** Jaffa!  
This is a song about a system lord ...  
A song about a system lord and her Jaffa...  
A song about the system lord Hathor and her three Jaffa...  
The system lord who had a sick Jaffa, a sad Jaffa and a mute Jaffa.  
And also Apophis.  
Um ... um ... this is me at the Stargate.  
This is Sam's dad and Martouf.  
This is Teal'c claiming joma secu.  
This is Teal'c fighting Apophis' First Prime.

**Audience:** Ohh!

**Daniel:** This is Teal'c and the First Prime.

**Audience:** Ahh!

**Daniel:** This is Teal'c and the First Prime and ... I think that's the First Prime's cousin. He's a Jaffa.

**Hammond:** Hold it! You call this a multimedia event? This is a slide projector and a bed sheet! And what the heck is a Jaffa, anyway?

**Daniel:** It's kind of like a human. See?

**Hammond:** Yes. Well, very good. This could be interesting. Carry on!

**Daniel:** Jaffa!  
Sing it with me!  
Jaffa!

**Audience:** Jaffa!

**Daniel:** Hathor's gating with Jaffa.

**Audience:** Hathor's gating with Jaffa.

**Daniel:** Back to planets owned by Ra.

**Audience:** Back to planets owned by Ra.

**Daniel:** Sick Jaffa is marching and sneezing. Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo moo moo!

**Audience:** Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo moo moo!

**Jack:** Why are the Jaffa mooing?

**Daniel:** Well, they are Hathor's Jaffa.

**Jack:** And?

**Sam:** Sir, Hathor is the cow goddess.

**Jack:** Ah.

**Daniel:** Apophis coming from afar.

**Audience:** Apophis coming from afar.

**Daniel:** To kill Hathor and Jaffa.

**Audience:** To kill Hathor and Jaffa.

**Daniel:** Sad Jaffa is marching and crying. Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoomoo moo moo moo!

**Audience:** Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo moo moo!

**Daniel:** Jaffa!

**Audience:** Jaffa!

**Daniel:** Jaffa!

**Audience:** Jaffa!

**All:** Achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo moo moo!

**Daniel:** Apophis seen by mute Jaffa.

**Audience:** Apophis seen by mute Jaffa.

**Daniel:** Tries to tell the mate of Ra.

**Audience:** Tries to tell the mate of Ra.

**Daniel:** Mute Jaffa is waving and grunting. Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm!

**Audience:** Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm!

*slide projector starts malfunctioning*

**Daniel:** Uh-oh.

**Hammond:** Wait! What happens next?

**Daniel:** Um...

**Hammond:** Does Apophis catch them? Is the poor mute Jaffa successful in communicating the imminent danger to his fellows? Is Hathor injured? Why is the sad Jaffa sad? Which world are they gating to?

**Daniel [clicking through slides]:** Oh look! There's me and Jack on Abydos! Oh, wow. Forgot about that one. There's Teal'c and that First Prime again.

**Hammond:** You can't just start a song and leave it hanging like that! You know, I've come to expect a lot more from you. This is quite disappointing! I'm going to have to speak to Colonel O'Neill about this.

**Daniel:** Oh look, a Jaffa! Jaffa!

**Audience:** Jaffa!

**Daniel:** No, wait ... that's a Tok'ra.

**Audience:** No more song about Jaffa!  
Getting up off the sofa!  
Audience is waving and leaving,  
Bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo moo moo moo!

**Jack:** I want my money back!

**Sam:** Yeah, that'd be ... that'd be good


	8. His Staff Weapon

  
Author's notes: This one was tough, thus it's rythymically funny. But it works. To the tune of 'His Cheeseburger.'  


* * *

He said, "I need my staff, Major Carter. I need it to go and kill Set."  
She said to him, "I can't let you have it."  
And he said, "Haven't you fixed it yet?"  
She said, "I have not, but I'm close now. Should be ready tomorrow at ten."  
He said, "This is extremely urgent. But I guess I can wait until then."

'Cause you're his staff weapon,  
His precious staff weapon,  
He'll wait for you, yeah,  
He will wait for you,  
Oh, you are his staff weapon  
His only staff weapon  
He'll wait for you,  
Oh, he will wait for you.

He stayed at the base until sunrise  
Kelno'reeming on his mat.  
When O'Neill started leaving without him  
And offered to give him a zat.  
How could he resist such an offer?  
They really needed to get that snake!  
Staff weapon, please do not get angry!  
He'll soon realize his mistake!

'Cause you're his staff weapon  
His precious staff weapon  
Be back for you,  
He'll be back for you  
Won't be so long, staff weapon  
Oh, mighty staff weapon  
Be back for you  
Oh he'll be back for you

Because he needs you, staff weapon, to shoot up stuff  
You know there is no other weapon that is quite as tough  
And if the Goa'uld came and tried to conquer Earth  
Then you would be the one he looked to first  
And then if someone accidentally got a snake in their head  
Then he would bust them out with you  
Kill them off with you  
Shoot that evil snake down using you!

You are his staff weapoooooon!


	9. The Yodeling Colonel

  
Author's notes: This one was fun. To the tune of 'The Yodeling Veternarian from the Alps.'  


* * *

**Quartet:** "There lived a man not long ago, he was a bit deranged  
But he was admired and quite well loved although they thought him strange.  
He came to worlds both far and near by way of Chappa'ai  
To meet with them and give them aid they wouldn't get from other guys.  
Woooahhh ..."

**Jack:** "This is a song for your broken Stargate  
It has no power, and it cannot dial.  
But if I sing to your broken Stargate  
It will get better in a little while!  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-eee-ooo  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo  
Yada-yada yada-yada yad-eee-ooo!"

**Sam:** "He's gone a little loopy,  
In case you didn't guess.  
Here's a naquadah reactor  
That will fix your Stargate mess."

**Quartet:** "No skeptic could explain just how, though many often tried,  
The wonderous deeds that happened on the puddle's other side.  
All would stand and marvel, some with love and some with hate  
At the curious ways of the Yodeling Air Force Colonel from the Gate.  
Woooahhh ..."

**Sam:** "Good news on the Stargate, Colonel! It's up and running!"

**Jack:** "This is a song for your frightened people  
Goa'uld are attacking, that's not too great  
But if I sing for your frightened people  
Then I will save them before it's too late!  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-ye-dee yodel-eee-ooo  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-aye-hoo  
Yada-yada yada-yada ya-ga-doo!"

**Daniel:** "Asgard, this is Daniel, please come by and help,  
Apophis is attacking and all Jack can do is yelp!"

**Quartet:** "His wonderous name spread near and far, until one fateful day,  
When the team who did assist O'Neill asked for a raise in pay.  
The colonel pondered this awhile, sat back and scratched his scalp, then said: 'No way, Jose!'  
To the team of the Yodeling Air Force Colonel from the Gate.  
Woooahhh ..."

**Daniel:** "Good news on those people, Jack! They're doing great. Rebuilding the cities. Named one after you."

**Jack:** "This is a song for your stone dead ruler  
He's the peacekeeper, we need him back.  
But if I sing for your stone dead ruler  
He will recover from his heart attack!  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo  
Yodel-leh-hee O-layhee Oly-ooo  
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo  
Yodel-leh-hee yaba-daba yaba-doo!"

**Natives:** "Off with his head!"

**Daniel:** "Oh, yeah - that'll work."

**Sam:** "He's good."

**Jack:** "Yodel-leh-hee! Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo!  
No, wait! This should work!  
Yodel-leh-hee! Yodel-leh-hoo yodel-leh-hoo!"

**Quartet:** "Now the moral of our story, it's the point we hope we've made:  
When you go a little loopy better keep your team well paid!"

**Jack:** "Yodel-leh-hee! Yodel-leh-hoo!  
Yodel odle odle aye de aye de ooo-ooo-ooo!"

**Quartet:** "Oh! All would stand and marvel, some with love and some with hate  
At the curious ways of the Yodeling Air Force Colonel from the Gate!"


	10. Tok'ra Love

  
Author's notes: This one sounds kind of funny because Anise was the only name I could think of that remotely rhymed with me. Also not much of a parody per se. To the tune of 'Endangered Love' or, as some of you may know it, 'Barbara Manatee.'  


* * *

**Walter:** We join Doctor Jackson as he follows the tragic saga of Tok'ra love while translating the High Council's record tapes.

**Daniel:** My darling Anise!  
You are the one for me!  
Sent from up above,  
You are the one I love!

*Daniel clicks on the recorder; voices are heard speaking Goa'uld*

**Martouf:** "Please don't cry, sweet Anise,  
You are so good to me,  
You fill my heart with glee,  
But I must go into the galaxy and do noble things for the good of all  
and you can't come because you dont speak English.  
Farewell!"

**Anise:** "But if you leave me,  
who will take me to the ball?  
Who's going to take me to the ball, Martouf?  
I have a new dress and shoes,  
and new Goa'uld lipstick!  
Who will take me to the ball?"

**Daniel:** "I'll take you to the ball, Anise!"

**Anise:** "Please don't go."

**Martouf:** "I must."

**Anise:** "Don't go!"

**Martouf:** "I must!"

**Anise:** "Don't!!"

**Martouf:** "Must!!"

**Anise:** "Don't don't!!!!"

**Martouf:** "Must must!!!!"

*Daniel pauses the recording and begins to dance around the room*

**Daniel:** My darling Anise!  
You are the one for me!  
Sent from up above,  
You are the one I love!  
Oh, my darling Anise!  
I'll be your mon amie!  
I'll take you to the ball!  
Hope your host is not too tall!

*Daniel restarts the player; once again we hear voices speaking in Goa'uld*

**Anise:** "Martouf, I've learned English."

**Martouf:** "You have?"

**Anise:** "I have! I learned just for you. See?"

**Martouf:** "Yes, Anise, my love!  
I always knew you could!  
I really hoped you would!  
Now can we go into the galaxy and do noble things for the good of all?"

**Anise:** "Yes, but first, will you take me to the ball?  
Oh, Martouf, will you take me to the ball?"

**Martouf:** "...I can't dance."

**Anise:** "You can't!?"

**Martouf:** "No."

**Anise:** "I must go."

**Martouf:** "Please don't go."

**Anise:** "I must."

**Martouf:** "Don't go!"

**Anise:** "I must!"

**Martouf:** "Don't!!"

**Anise:** "Must!!"

**Martouf:** "Don't don't!!!!"

**Anise:** "Must must!!!!"

*Daniel pauses the tape and resumes dancing*

**Daniel:** My darling Anise!  
You are the one...

*Office door crashes open*

**Jack:** "Daniel...what are you doing?"

**Daniel:** "Just...translating the Tok'ra council tapes ...Jack."

**Jack:** "Well...maybe you should take a break. Come have lunch with us."

**Daniel:** "Yeah, okay."

**Walter:** That's all for now, folks. Join us next time to hear Martouf say:

**Martouf:** "Oh, Anise! I've learned to dance!"

**Anise:** "Oh, Martouf."


	11. Daniel's Boonie Hat

  
Author's notes: Little parody work was needed on this one, but I think it's funny anyway. Shout out to the hat, I love it when Danny wears it. To the tune of 'Larry's High Silk Hat.'  


* * *

**Walter:** One day while he was waiting at the Stargate,  
He had a hat.

**Daniel:** My boonie hat!

**Walter:** He wore it high upon his head so proudly,  
A camo hat.

**Daniel:** My boonie hat!

**Walter:** A hat like this just makes him feel so grandly  
Now fancy this and fancy that.  
The splendor of his hat in all it's majesty:

**Daniel:** Like a king in a royal cap.  
I feel so swell and handsome in my hat,  
I bet that others wish they had in fact,  
A hat as this, a hat as that, a hat so fine, a boonie hat!  
Oh, Ms. Samantha Carter, now what do you think of that?

**Walter:** Now his hat was not all he wore so proudly.  
I must in fact share more than that.  
For upon his lap there sat a jar so fondly:  
An earthen jug.

**Daniel:** An artifact!

**Walter:** Mysteriousness that makes him feel so dandy!

**Daniel:** The Ancients left this artifact!

**Walter:** A rare find such as this is more than chancy,  
Somewhat like life, a jar of that.

**Daniel:** I have this vessel placed upon my lap.  
I feel so good, you just cannot top that.  
An artifact, it's in my pack, an Ancient this and Ancient that!  
Oh golly, Jack O'Neill, now what do you think of that?

**Walter:** Now time was passing and the sun grew hotter  
Upon his hat and his artifact.  
So beneath his hat he thought and pondered:

**Daniel:** What should I do to save my hat?

**Walter:** He thought and contemplated as he perspired  
Beneath his hat, upon his lap.  
He feared his epic find would soon retire  
Into dry dust, crumble like that!

**Daniel:** I won't feel grand if I take off my hat!  
The sun's getting hot and my hat just might go flat  
My hat, it might go flat, and my jar dry out and splat!  
Oh, hurry General Hammond before my dapperness goes flat!

**Walter:** He decided to forego his looks so dashing  
To save his hat and artifact.  
So he placed the jar upon the ground beside him  
And put his hat on top of that.

**Daniel:** Oh please! Oh please, oh please!  
Don't anybody step close to me, upon my hat!  
I ask, if all of you could be so kindly,  
And just stand back, away from my hat...!

*Teal'c accidentally steps on the hat/artifact*

**Daniel:** A big Jaffa just stepped upon my hat!  
A big Jaffa just squished my hat real flat!  
He squashed my hat, he made it flat,  
He squished my jug, oh what of that?  
Oh tell me anybody, now what do you think of that?

**Team:** A big Jaffa just stepped upon his hat!  
A big Jaffa just squished his hat real flat!  
He squashed his hat, he made it flat,  
He squished his jar, oh what of that?

*Stargate ka-whooshs and everyone goes through except Daniel and a sergeant*

**Daniel:** Oh golly... uh, what's your name?

**Sergeant:** They've never given me a name.  
I have been around since season one and I still don't have a name...

**Daniel:** Now what do you think of that?


	12. Larval Goa'uld

  
Author's notes: This marks the beginning of the silly songs I am not familiar with. That said, I think this one turned out well. Finally, one starring Teal'c! These are the issues you have when you date a Tau'ri without security clearance. To the tune of 'Bellybutton.'  


* * *

**O'Neill:** Hi everyone. This is Jack. Normally, this should be the time when Walter comes on and says: 'And now it's time for Silly Songs with SG-1, the part of the show where Jack, Sam, or Daniel comes out and sings a silly song.' But...I've been thinking. And talking with the team.

**Teal'c:** And we've decided it's time to broaden our scope. Artistically.

**Sam:** Yeah! We're artists!

**Daniel:** Word up!

**Jack:** There's a time to be silly and there's a time to be serious.

**Daniel:** A time to open up your heart.

**Sam:** And show how you feel. Artistically.

**Teal'c:** Beause we all have something to share.  
Baby, I know your eyes see right through my disguise.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** And no one can deny.

**Teal'c:** Baby, that I'm the one whose love is no surprise.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** : And he can't tell you no lie.

**Teal'c:** But there's a secret I've been hidin',  
I can't keep it no more.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** There's this thing about himself he's never told you before!

**Teal'c:** Baby!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** He needs to tell you something:

**Teal'c:** Got a larva in my stomach.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Goa'uld, oooh!

**Teal'c:** Oh I need to tell you something:

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Have you figured out?  
Got a larva in his stomach.  
Larval Goa'uld no, oh no no!

**Teal'c:** Baby, please don't squeal,  
Just tell me how you feel.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** 'Cause his love is for real.

**Teal'c:** And if you went away, my heart would never heal.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** So to you he appeals.

**Teal'c:** There's something extra in my middle and it's hard to ignore.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** There's this thing about himself he's never told you before.

**Teal'c:** Baby!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** He needs to tell you something:

**Teal'c:** Got a larva in my stomach.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Goa'uld, ooooh!

**Teal'c:** Oh I need to tell you something:

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Have you figured out?  
Got a larva in his stomach.  
Larval Goa'uld no, oh no no

**Janet:** Goa'uld!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Uh, uh

**Janet:** Goa'uld!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Uh, uh

**Janet:** You say you've got a larval Goa'uld, there's no reason for alarm.  
It's quite common for Jaffa, it won't do you any harm.  
You're not even a human and with that much being said;  
The proof of what I'm saying here is right there on your head!  
You could opt for Tok'ra surgery but of course you'd have to know,  
It'd be covered by your shirt, but not your HMO!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Goa'uld!

**Janet:** Uh, uh.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Goa'uld!

**Janet:** Uh, uh.

**Teal'c:** A creepy something extra in my midriff's décor.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** There's this thing about himself he's never told you before.

**Teal'c:** Baby!

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** He needs to tell you something:

**Teal'c:** Got a larva in my stomach.

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Goa'uld, oooh!

**Teal'c:** Oh I need to tell you something:

**Sam, Jack, Daniel:** Have you figured out?  
Got a larva in his stomach.  
Larval Goa'uld no, oh no no!

**All:** A baby symbiote!


	13. Do the Stargate

  
Author's notes: Being as my muse has gone off a cliff with the dodos from Ice Age, this is where I'm gonna end these songs for now. I may go back and do the rest later, but I doubt it since I don't know any more silly songs and am not very good at parodying songs I don't know. So here is the final song, to the tune of 'Do the Moo Shoo'. Special guest appearance by the personnel of Atlantis.  


* * *

**Jack:** Goa'uld!

**Teal'c:** System Lord-

**Jack:** Goa'uld!

**Janet:** Blended-

**Jack:** Goa'uld!

**Sam:** Tok'ra-

**Jack:** Goa'uld!

**Daniel:** Glowing eyes-

**Jack:** Goa'uld!

**All:** Do the Stargate!  
SG-one-one, S-SG-one-one, SG-one-one, S-SG-one-one,  
Do the Stargate!

**Sheppard:** Wraith!

**Teyla:** Hive Queen-

**Sheppard:** Wraith!

**Ronon:** Warrior-

**Sheppard:** Wraith!

**Rodney:** Todd the-

**Sheppard:** Wraith!

**Elizabeth:** Telepathic-

**Sheppard:** Wraith! Wraith.

**All:** Do the Stargate!  
Atlantis-tis, At-at-lan-tis-tis, Atlan-tis-tis, At-at-lan-tis-tis...

**Jack:** STOP!  
Break a fortune cookie.

**Sheppard:** Beware of stargate with nine chevrons.

**Jack:** Ain't that the truth.


End file.
